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Debby Moves Inland
Montana Fires Doused

hurricane debbyMeteorologists are unable to explain the freak leap which Hurricane Debby has made in the last twelve hours.  Regaining hurricane status while leaving the Caribbean, Monday evening, Debby sailed northwest at speeds well over two hundred mph and has extinguished most of the wildfires bedeviling firefighters in Montana and Idaho. Montana governor Racicot, who blamed President Clinton for the disaster, wept with joy when aides awakened him with the news of Debby's arrival. "All of my children.  I'm changing all of my children's names to 'Debby.' Even little Dale and Evan," he said through tears on the capitol steps this morning. "But I still hold that White House Willy responsible."

"Of course, we're relieved," Susan confided. "We'll just have to re-hire the caterer, now that the guests will be able to come, after all."

Survivor Island Abandoned
Brett Presumed Left Behind

As the insanely popular CBS Survivor series came to its (yawn) dramatic close, CBS confirmed what some have long suspected: in the midst of the Pulau Tiga evacuation, Brett was somehow "misplaced," in the words of one CBS low-level executive. "We're looking into it," he continued. "That's the best I can say, for now."  Fears persist that this may be connected with Brett's failure of the final immunity challenge--a three-hour review of Japanese verb forms.

brett on survivor island
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(updated weekly)

Top 10 Final Contents of Brett's Bachelor Refrigerator


10. last year's easter eggs (unpainted)
9. meatcake
8. carton of milk
with picture of Krystava Patients Schmidt on back
7. half a quart of 10w30
6. several overdue videos
5. leftover Potted Meat Food Product Surprise
4. two dozen "rocky mountain oysters"
 3.  opened yard o' beef
...No, wait! that's on 
TOP of the fridge
2. white bag
contents: unknown
1. collection of toenail clippings which resemble U.S. states
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